If I Hadn't Met You
by AxCfangirl
Summary: Sometimes, I wonder what I would be doing, where I would be if I hadn't met you that day. My life would've probably been more ordinary, and more peaceful. Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the agony of war. AC KF KL
1. C

**A/N** : This is actually supposed to be one-shot. However, it grew ridiculously long. So I decided to place one part on a page, though I still consider it as a one-chapter fic.

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English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

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 **If I Hadn't Met You**

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I've never told you, and I don't know if I will. But sometimes, I wonder how my life would've turned out, what my life would be like...if I hadn't met you that day. Or more like if I hadn't chased after you that day.

It actually seems like a pretty fateful encounter, don't you think? The twins who'd been separated when infants and didn't even know the existence of each other somehow coincidentally met again after nearly sixteen years.

And that encounter completely changed my life. And your life, too, I suppose. Though not as drastically as mine. You would've still been Princess...I mean, the daughter of Orb's Chief Representative, or Lady Cagalli Yula Athha. Since you hated being called Princess.

Well, I think I can understand that. Being called Princess implies you're only a daughter of someone important. Not really an independent person or an important person. Not really yourself. That's kind of a role they expect you to play. You rather want other people to see _you_ , right? You always did. Not as just a girl or just a Natural or just someone's daughter. But as Cagalli. As a person.

Anyway, your status, what you are, wouldn't be much different if we hadn't met that day, though you mightn't be alive. However, what I am greatly changed. Prior to the day, I'd been just a student, a civilian, a commoner. Then, I became a mobile suit pilot. A soldier, kind of. ...And I killed people.

If I hadn't chased after you and had escaped with my friends, I wouldn't have piloted the Strike. I probably wouldn't have fought, and wouldn't have killed so many people.

But then, I might've died. My friends were running and mobile suits were fighting everywhere around them. If I'd been down there with them, not inside the cockpit of a mobile suit, all of us might've been dead. I don't think Murrue-san could've saved us even if she'd tried. The OS program of the Strike was totally inefficient. Not to mention she's a Natural and it's difficult for a Natural to pilot a mobile suit without a special OS program for them. She mightn't have been there to begin with. If I hadn't intervened, she might've been killed by Athrun.

Then again, if I hadn't piloted the Strike and ZAFT had stolen it along with the other four, Heliopolis mightn't have been destroyed. Me and my friends might've somehow survived and returned to our houses and families by the end of the day, and possibly continued living just as before.

I'm not sure more people would've died that day, or less people, if I hadn't fought. But either way, I couldn't just let you go by yourself. It was pretty dangerous. It didn't matter you were just a stranger. I couldn't find it in myself to leave you alone in such a situation. I thought I should go help you, make you escape with us.

You may think it was the same in the beginning of the Second War, when I snatched you away from the wedding. It wasn't.

In Heliopolis, I didn't know you. I didn't try to save you because it was you. I would've done it if it were someone else. However, I don't think I would've kidnapped the bride if it weren't you.

I couldn't bring myself to let you marry Mr. Saran, partly because I felt I was somewhat responsible for your situation. I'd known you were having a hard time dealing with politics, though you didn't talk much about it in front of me. Neither did Athrun. About your hardships or his own.

When you visited us on the island, you often looked tired or distressed. But you tried to hide it. Every time I asked you if you were all right, you'd smile and say something like, "Of course I am. In fact, I should be the one asking that question. You look pale. Have you been sleeping well?" I still knew you weren't really all right. No offense, but you aren't exactly a good liar. At least not in private.

But I also knew you didn't want me to notice it. You didn't wanna worry me. ...And I didn't really wanna think about it. I wanted to keep politics and combats at bay. I didn't wanna think about what was happening on the outside of the peaceful island.

So I didn't really do anything to help you. I didn't really do anything to help Athrun either, even when he told me about the people who'd caused Junius Seven to fall on the Earth though I could see he was quite troubled.

I can say I didn't think there was anything I could do, and that's partly true. I didn't have political power, or military power. I didn't know about the Freedom yet. I couldn't give Athrun the answer, partly because I myself didn't have my answer and partly because he had to find his own.

However, I know and I knew that wasn't all. Most of all, I didn't want to get involved. I was reluctant to engage in fighting, in any way. I was reluctant to take action even if it was to help those important to me. I didn't want to act. Not yet.

I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to fight again. I just wanted to focus on...me. Not the world. Not the peace. Not a country. Not politics. Not battles. Not racial conflicts.

I just wanted to be me. Not the pilot of the Freedom. Not a soldier. Not an Ultimate Coordinator. I just wanted to be an ordinary person, a nobody.

Thus, I chose not to do my part in rebuilding a peaceful world or protecting it. Well, I needed it even if it was running away. There're times you need to escape to survive, to protect yourself, and I was having such a time. I needed the time and space to pick up the pieces of myself and of my life. And I was able to have it because you and Athrun were fighting, which I'm really grateful for though I wish I could've taken action to help you a bit earlier.

But I'm not like you and Athrun. You two are pretty willing to fight, to take action. You prefer to do something yourself rather than let other people do it. That's both your strength and weakness, I guess.

I'm different. I don't like to get involved in conflicts, especially those that don't directly involve me or happen in front of me. If there's someone willing to do the work, I don't mind letting them.

And I did. I let you and Athrun fight. Because you were willing to, and I wasn't. I know neither you nor Athrun blames me for it. You never did. Besides, letting willing people do the work isn't wrong, is it? You need to have the strong will to fight through to the end. If you don't have it, you probably can't accomplish it anyway. If there's someone who's willing to do it and probably can, then why not let them?

That's what I was thinking. You two had the will and power to fight. So I decided it was all right for me not to because you could and would do it for me.

Not only I didn't want to fight, I also didn't think I could even if I had some weapon. At least right after the First War. I was weak, drained. I just wanted to rest. Just wanted to enjoy the peace. I was finally able to return to a quiet life after the tedious fighting.

Although I knew it wouldn't last forever, I didn't want to think about the time I had to act, to move on with my life. Even when a part of me realized the time was almost there.

I knew the peace'd already ended. The little, calm, and protected world I'd been living in for about two years had ended. I'd known it when I saw the fall of Junius Seven. Yet, I couldn't really accept it. Although I started to pay more attention to what was going on in the world, I still wanted to hold onto the remnants of my peaceful life, believing there was still time.

I was struggling to deal with the situation, with the fact my long slumber was over and I had to wake up to the reality. There was a war going on again, and I had to decide what I'd do. But I wasn't sure what I should do, or even what I wanted to do. All I knew was I didn't want to lose someone important to me again. I couldn't stand it.

It was actually during one of the times I was wondering about what to do that I met Shinn for the first time. Well, it's irrelevant, though. It's not like he caused me to finally decide to do something.

It was Lacus. Or should I say Mr. Dullindal, for he was the one who sent the special unit to attack us and assassinate her? He was the one who forced me into a situation I had to fight again to save myself and those I cared about.

However, my decision to fight wasn't the same as when I'd been forced into a similar situation after parting with you in Heliopolis. Well, probably the situations weren't that different. I doubt I really had another option in either if I wanted to survive.

But still, I didn't want them to be the same.

Most of the time during the First War, I'd been just going with the flow, telling myself it couldn't be helped and there was no other way. Probably it's partly because I was acting on fear, fear of isolation, fear of parting with my friends.

When I fought, people thanked me and treated me like I was one of them, and it felt good. I wanted to be accepted by the people around me, especially Fllay on whom I was crushing. I wanted to belong. So much so that I decided to stay in the military even though I hated being a soldier. It wasn't the only reason, but a big part of why I was fighting.

I don't say I shouldn't have made the decision, but I should've thought more, thought it through. I didn't really consider my reason to fight, my reason to protect, until I heard the Archangel was in danger and chose to return to the battlefield with the Freedom.

Facing the decision to fight again during the Second War, I strongly felt I didn't wanna repeat it. I was resolved not to. If I was gonna pilot a mobile suit again, I wanted it to be entirely my choice, not someone else's. I didn't want to fight because I was influenced by others. I didn't want to be forced. I didn't want to be told to fight. Not again. Not anymore. If I had to fight anyway, I wanted to choose it myself. Why I fight and how I fight.

I wanted to choose fighting because I wanted to. Not just because I had the power to do it. Not because I felt I had no other choice. Not because I wanted some rewards. Not because people were expecting me to do it.

And I wanted to fight. I knew what it was like. I knew what it was like to kill people. I knew how it made me feel. I knew I wouldn't like it. Nevertheless, I was willing to do it. Because I also knew I wouldn't like what'd happen if I didn't fight. I knew which I wanted more, or which I didn't want more. I knew what I wanted most.

I wanted to protect the people I loved. I didn't want them to die. I didn't want that kind of future. Then, I should do something to prevent it, right? Instead of hoping someone else'll do the work for me and running away.

Doing something just because you can is painful. I knew it from my experience during the First War. I knew how agonizing it was. I knew how it hurt to be told "I can't do it. But you can. So do it." Even if it's true and you're willing to do it, it's still...not pleasant, is it? It's a heavy responsibility and it also makes you feel lonely. It can make you suffer.

And yet, I kind of did it to you and Athrun.

Even if I didn't have any power, I still could've supported you. I still could've given you comfort or advice, do something, even only a little, to help you. Even if I couldn't fight myself, I still could've helped you fight at least.

Yet I didn't. I didn't really consider how much pain and suffering you'd been enduring, even. I didn't really try to know how much you'd been pushing yourself, how much you were cornered. I didn't realize how much you'd been sacrificing yourself to protect the peace, the peace I'd been enjoying. To protect me. To protect everyone. Until I read your letter.

It was only then I was truly able to see it, see the consequence of my choice to hide in a safe, quiet place and do nothing, see it could cost me someone I loved.

The biggest reason I couldn't let you get married was because you were giving up being yourself. You were giving up being just Cagalli. What you seemed to cherish so much when we became friends.

That was what made me realize how hurt you were, how broken you were. So much so that you lost the will and strength to keep fighting, fighting for yourself and for what was important to you.

And that was what caused me to make up my mind to intervene. The decision was different from the one I'd just made. Piloting the Freedom to defend myself and the others from the ZAFT soldiers had been more or less the only choice I had if I didn't wanna die. I couldn't have chosen to stay away. With the matter of your wedding, however, I could. If I really wanted to turn my back and run to somewhere more peaceful, if I still wanted to avoid getting involved, I could've chosen it.

Except I didn't want to.

Although I still didn't like engaging in war or politics, there was something I didn't like more, something I didn't want much more. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to leave someone I loved alone to suffer. I wanted you to be happy, but you can never be happy if you give up being yourself. I didn't want you to give up. I couldn't bear losing you like that.

I regretted I'd done nothing until you became that desperate. I regretted I'd let you fight alone. Well, not exactly alone. But you didn't have many people to rely on besides Athrun, and he wasn't there anymore. You must've been feeling alone.

I knew how tough it was. Lacus or Athrun may not understand it. They seem rather fine with being alone, being isolated, don't they? But I'm not, and you aren't, either. It looks like we both aren't really good at handling isolation. I wonder if that's because we're twins? Or just a coincidence?

Whichever, I know how hard it is to keep going when you feel no one around you can or will help you, when you feel you can't turn to anyone. But you still want to protect those you care about...and you'll do anything for it even if it torments you. You feel you have to do it however much you don't like it or even if you hurt someone in the process. You feel it's the only way to protect, the only way to get what you want. You're too desperate to take care of yourself or to see the larger picture. You can't think about anything but to defend what's right in front of you and get through what's happening right now.

I know it. I knew it.

That's exactly how I was during the First War. How I was when we met again and fought together in the desert. You probably remember I was pretty on edge back then.

I also knew it was the wrong way. It wouldn't bring you where you wanted to reach. It wouldn't give you what you wanted so much. Peace. Protection for Orb's people. Happiness of those you love. I couldn't just let you go down the wrong path without saying anything, despite knowing too well what the result would be like. I couldn't just let you ruin your happiness, your life, yourself.

I didn't wanna see anyone make the same mistake as mine, let alone someone I cared about. I didn't wanna see you devastated, miserable, and unhappy. I couldn't have forgiven myself if I hadn't done anything to prevent it.

For about two years, I'd been resting. I'd been healing. I'd been thinking about myself and not much more. I'd been just letting those I cared about fight on their own. I'd been doing nothing when my loved ones were suffering.

But I was done with it. I was done escaping. I was done hiding. I was done looking the other way. I was done protecting only myself.

It was time for me to stand up and fight. Fight for what's important to me. Fight for the people I care about. Fight for what I believe in. I couldn't just sit back and watch anymore.

I needed to talk to you. I needed at least a chance to persuade you out of it. To be honest, I wasn't completely sure that I'd be able to. That you'd agree with me and come with us. Even so, I had to at least try, even if it would be in vain.

I didn't know the right way, but I did know you didn't wanna go the way you were heading, even if you believed it was right. Not that I thought you did. On the contrary, I was sure you didn't even believe what you were doing was right. Not completely.

You aren't one for logic. You're a person of emotions and feelings. I don't mean it a bad way. Well, feelings alone can't do much, as we both know painfully well. But they're what ultimately guide us to the future we want, tell us what's best for ourselves. At least it's so for me. And for you, too, I'm sure.

No matter what your head's saying, no matter how many times people around you say it's right, you can't accept it. You can't truly believe it. Unless you feel it's right. Unless your heart's convinced. It's how you are.

I was sure your heart was telling you it wasn't right because I knew you. I knew what you wanted and what kind of person you were. I knew you'd never be okay with attacking another country just so that Orb'd be safe. You might choose it if you thought it was the only way to protect Orb. You love Orb enough. But you wouldn't like it and you'd feel bad about it. You wouldn't feel it was right. You'd blame yourself and suffer. And you must've known it. You're never stupid, though you can be impulsive and careless and sometimes thoughtless—okay, I'm beginning to sound like Athrun.

Anyway, I also felt you still hadn't completely given up. Your heart was struggling to hold onto yourself, desperately wanting to believe there was another way. The fact you couldn't dispose of Athrun's ring yourself was proof enough.

You desperately needed a help, but you probably didn't know how to get it. Didn't know who could give it to you, who would fight along with you.

I wanted you to know you weren't alone. You weren't the only one who didn't know what to do. Not the only one who didn't know what was right. Not the only one who still wanted to find another way. Not the only one who was willing to fight and protect. Not anymore.

We were the same, and that was another reason why I believed I still had a chance. You were like me, like us. You weren't sure how to go to the place you wanted to go, how to create the future you wanted. Exactly like us, you hadn't found your answer yet. So I thought, we can do the search together then.

I was late for it, I knew. During the First War, I'd told Athrun we were gonna look for our answers together. But after the war, I stopped looking. I stopped trying to fight and find the way to the future we wished for along with him, and you. I left you to search on your own. As much as I needed the rest, it'd been probably still irresponsible of me. I had the responsibility to at least keep searching for my own answer, instead of running away from living my life and creating my future.

I couldn't change the past. I couldn't undo my mistake. But I could make up for it. I could start searching again, and I had to. I had to find the answer this time. _We_ had to find the answer. Our own answers.

And although I was late, I wasn't too late yet. What I needed, or rather what you needed was reassurance that there was another way, and the time and space to revive your fire.

So I took you away.

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	2. A

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If I hadn't met you, I wonder, what my relationship with Athrun would be like? In that case, Athrun and me mightn't have fought, especially during the Second War. I wouldn't have intervened in the battles without you.

Even if I would've still had the Freedom and the Archangel with me, that is. Which I think is very unlikely. How could I, or more like Lacus and the others, have kept them hidden and safe without your help? We probably wouldn't have been in Orb in the first place.

But assuming everything else was the same except you weren't with us, I wouldn't have had a reason to engage in battles to protect the Orb forces. I have to admit, I've never really understood your devotion to Orb. Yes, Orb is my home country, and I care about it. But I don't think I'd ever try to protect it nearly to the extent you do. Nor I'd have tried to protect the Orb forces so hard if you hadn't wanted to. I would've preferred to wait and see until we got a better idea of what was going on.

Even though I didn't really understand it, however, I knew you deeply loved Orb and I could see how much you wanted to stop and protect the Orb forces. That was enough for me.

I wanted to help you and protect you. And protecting what you wanna protect and helping you fight for it are a part of protecting you. Even though I didn't like to fight, and it was even harder when I had to fight against Athrun, I don't regret intervening in the battles. You needed to do it. You needed my support. So I wanted to give it to you.

Because I love you, Cagalli. Not just because you're my sister. You'd still be very important to me if you weren't. I'll never forget what you did for me during the First War though you probably don't know how much it meant to me. How much having you around helped me. How relieved I was when you hugged me and comforted me.

Actually, it was a bit embarrassing. I was like a little kid, yeah? At least you treated me like one. A crying kid.

I'm grateful for it, though. I was going through a really hard time. I don't know if I could've kept going if it weren't for you, for your comfort.

Well, Fllay also helped me, as you know. She was always around me and comforted me, er...in several ways, and I appreciated it. I probably couldn't have kept going without her, either. However, I couldn't feel really comfortable with her. Maybe it was because of my guilt toward Ssigh. Or because I knew Fllay still had feelings for him. Or because I knew she wasn't really fine with me being a Coordinator. Or because I felt bad I kinda took advantage of her. Maybe all of that.

But you were different. Your comfort was, too. You comforted me so casually like it was a completely ordinary thing, like you did only what anyone would've done to anyone. Or what you would've done to anyone, at least. Not just to me. Not because it was me. As if it would've been no different if it was anyone else. As if I was no different from anyone else.

You acted like it was no big deal I should be concerned about. Like I didn't have to feel bad or sorry. I didn't feel like I'd pressured you into doing something you didn't really want to, or like you pitied me. I didn't feel like I owed you for it and I had to do something in return, either. You didn't even ask me why I was crying. You simply gave me comfort probably because you thought I needed it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And that's why it meant so much to me, I suppose.

You made me feel safe. Comfortable. Not exactly all right as you'd just said. Not yet. But I could feel now I was getting there, which meant a lot.

The way you talked to me was also heartening. Your attitude hadn't changed after you found out I was a Coordinator and you didn't hesitate to talk about it. I think I needed it. Thinking and talking about what being a Coordinator means, what Coordinators are.

My friends weren't willing to talk, though. It wasn't like they were mean to me because I was a Coordinator. But they rather wanted to ignore our difference. It'd been fine when we were in Heliopolis. I even preferred it that way.

After we got on board the Archangel, however...I had to face the fact I was different from them, different from everyone around me. I could feel—more strongly—even my friends were thinking like, "But he's a Coordinator after all. He's different from us." It couldn't be helped, I guess. It still hurt nonetheless.

On top of it, I had to fight because I could, because I was a Coordinator, because I'd been created that way. It was distressing. I couldn't help wondering why my parents'd made me a Coordinator, why Coordinators'd been created to begin with. And I had no one I could talk to about these things. Until you bluntly asked me why I was a Coordinator.

It was a surprise, undoubtedly. However, I could see you didn't mean anything bad. You were just curious about why I was fighting for the EF, which was natural. Many people'd asked me about it. But you were different. You weren't judging me for it.

And you never treated me like something that needed to be handled with special caution. You treated me as just an ordinary boy. Well, probably an odd boy, as you called me. But not special or essentially different.

I liked that. I liked you didn't hide your opinion of me or of Coordinators, too. You frankly said I was odd and you thought Coordinators were different from Naturals. But also, you easily accepted it when I pointed out your misunderstanding about Coordinators and said we needed to study and train as well.

As much as you didn't ignore me being a Coordinator, you didn't make a big deal out of it or see me as "just a Coordinator." Like it wasn't any more important than me being a boy or being fifteen or my hair being brown. As you hadn't made a big deal out of me crying.

You just...accepted it was how I was, right? Accepted it was who I was. Well, that's what I felt anyway. You reminded me I was just me. You made me forget, even for a moment, I was different from everyone else around me. ...No, it wasn't that. It was more like you made me feel it was okay you and me were different.

Of course it's okay to be different. Everyone's different. I knew that. However, I couldn't think like that. I hated being different. I hated being treated differently. I felt so alone.

You didn't make me get rid of the feeling, but certainly eased it. I started to remember there were people who saw me not as a Coordinator or a protector, but as just myself. People who accepted me not because I was a Coordinator or I had the power to protect them, but because I was who I was. People who cared about me and tried to help me.

You helped me keep believing our genetics didn't matter in the end; we could be friends even though I was a Coordinator and you were a Natural. You made me think I didn't have to feel alone just because I was the only Coordinator there, different from those around me.

Maybe it was because you were different, too. You were one weird girl, that's for sure. And still, you appeared completely fine with yourself, with being different. You were pretty assertive, going your own way without worrying about what others thought of you.

Maybe that's what made me relax around you, made me feel like myself. It was easier for me to smile or laugh or talk or just breathe when with you.

And probably the reason you were fine with me being different is the same. You were so accepting of yourself that you were also accepting of others.

Your attitude toward me, by the way, was somewhat similar to Lacus's. She was another person who'd helped me be myself. I didn't see it right then, but you two are alike in that sense. You both see someone as just a person, and respect other people's choices. You never told me why I should or shouldn't fight, how I should or shouldn't be. You just talked with me and listened to me, trying to know me, my feelings and thoughts and reasons. And let me make my own decisions. Not as a Coordinator or a soldier, but as just Kira.

It's actually funny, isn't it? Considering you looked totally different in appearance, her being very girly and graceful and sweet and you being boyish and a bit violent and...well, I guess I better stop here. I can almost hear you yelling at me. Like you did when I first saw you in dress. As I told you several times, it's not like I saw you as a boy. It's just...you sometimes made me forget you were a girl.

Not that you need to know it, of course. I have absolutely no plan of telling you. I care about my well-being.

Anyway, so, during the Second War, I chose to intervene in a battle because of you. But it isn't to say I chose to fight for your sake. Not really.

Speaking of which, I remember something. Someone once told me it'd been generous of me to fight for you, and I didn't really get it. I mean, yeah, that's what I did. And you thanked me, too. But what that person said sounded somehow different. It sounded as if I'd done you a great favor. As if you'd made me do what I didn't wanna do or I'd done it entirely for your sake, which isn't true.

Protecting the people we care about is not a favor for them, is it? I don't think you were doing a favor for Orb citizens or those resistance fighters or us, anyone you've fought for. Like I wasn't doing a favor for anyone I've tried to protect and protected.

I'm not a hero who sacrifices myself to save people with no reason except I feel pity for them or they ask for my help. Without my own need or desire to do it. Neither are you. Nor Lacus. Nor Athrun. We're just humans. Not such an unhuman—dehumanized—being. We do what we do because we're humans. Because we have our own wishes and emotions.

When we're trying to help or protect our loved ones, we're also doing it for our own sake as well as theirs. We're doing it because we feel like doing something for them, because of our own desire. Because of love. Not because of pity or generosity.

Needless to say, we're certainly not doing a favor when we help others because we want something for ourselves, whether in return or through the process. I wanted to help you fight, help you find your answer, partly because I thought it was best I could do then to create the future I wished for, and partly because I felt it was what I needed to do to find my own answer, my way. Which I was right about.

Even if I put those reasons aside, I still did what _I_ wanted to do. And whatever it was for, whoever it was for, it was my choice, my decision, and my responsibility. I'd never shift it on you, saying something like, "I did it just for you," or "I did it just because you wanted me to."

I'm not an obedient soldier who acts on your order. I'm not a desperate servant who'll do anything to please you so you won't get rid of me. I'm not a generous master whose every word and action you should be grateful for. I'm not a powerless citizen who's under your wing. I'm not a helpless victim you manipulate or coerce.

I'm your friend. I'm your family. I'm your equal. My actions and choices are never your responsibility. I'd never burden you like that. I'd never ruin our relationship like that. I'd never make you alone like that.

That's not why I fought. That's not what I fought for. I wanted to fight and I fought because I didn't want you to be alone. I knew I had a choice. I knew fighting along with you wasn't the only option. I knew I could choose not to do it if I didn't want to; you wouldn't blame me for it. I knew you'd respect my choice and wouldn't force me to fight.

But I also knew you'd probably try to fight anyway even if you were on your own. I didn't want you to fight alone anymore. I didn't wanna do the same thing again: do nothing while you were fighting. I wanted to be there for you this time. I wanted to be by your side supporting your fight.

And even if you'd given up the attempt because I wouldn't help you, then you would've suffered because you couldn't protect what was important to you. Even though I didn't really share your strong love for Orb, I could understand your desire to protect what you cared about. I knew the agony of not being able to do it. I didn't want you to suffer from it, either.

I knew your feelings of guilt, too. In fact, I kind of strengthened it, didn't I? But I still believe what I said is right: you couldn't have prevented the Orb forces from being sent to aid the EF even if you'd stayed in Orb. I believe, too, it was necessary for you to face the consequence of your decisions. I knew you knew it wasn't like I wanted to hurt you.

And I knew you'd listen to me and understand me even if my words were a bit harsh. You aren't the kind of person who ignores what other people say just because their words're unpleasant or they don't treat you with gentleness. I knew you'd appreciate honesty as much as you needed it.

Like you'd understood me when we talked after your almost-marriage. Or when I slapped you during the First War. I don't feel really sorry about it, either. I mean, I admit I was partly venting my frustration on you, and sorry about that. But what I said then is also true, right? You can't really protect anything with only your feelings.

Well, you probably didn't truly understand it until near the end of the Second War. I'm not blaming you. I didn't like my power, either. I understand your reluctance—even dislike—to have strong military power. It's also true having strong power invites unwelcomed troubles. Besides, I didn't truly understand the importance of having power either, until around the same time.

In that sense, probably we were like the opposite of Athrun. It seemed he was focusing too much on power and too little on feelings, whether it was his own or other people's. That's the impression I got while talking with him on the cliff and during the battle.

It wasn't exactly surprising. He always prefers logic to emotion. Though it felt too much even for him to fight against Orb, against what you wanted to protect, do something that agonized you so much.

I couldn't get why he was fighting. I mean, I understood he believed that PLANT was right and that he was fighting for a rightful cause. I couldn't say we were right and he was wrong. But would it be still worth doing even if he hurt someone he loved by doing it?

Sure, he cares a lot about doing the right thing. He does things he doesn't really want to, things that hurt himself, and even things that hurt those he cares about, if he believes it's right. And he's hesitant to act on emotion, though you and me both know he does it more often than he himself believes. Doing the right thing is as important to him as protecting his loved ones. I don't really understand that about him, but I understand—understood that was the kind of person he was.

Plus, being lovers, or friends, doesn't mean you can agree on everything or you shouldn't or wouldn't fight each other, right? You can't expect someone to be on your side just because you're close. Your beliefs, what you wanna fight for, can be different despite your fondness for each other. I mightn't really realize it during the First War, but I understood it during the Second War.

Even so, however, his fighting for ZAFT again didn't make sense to me. I didn't think he'd get involved in fighting just because of his desire to do right. I couldn't believe he'd pilot a mobile suit again so easily. I knew he hated engaging in war again, like me. I could've understood it if he'd done so to protect someone he cared about like I did, but it wasn't the case. Or I thought it wasn't.

Now I know he believed he could protect us, and Orb, by fighting under Mr. Dullindal. Learning of it cleared up my confusion about his rejoining, and about why he was that upset. As long as I can remember, he's always had the tendency to get sulky when things don't go as he planned, or when I don't listen to him or follow his plan. I don't say that was the only reason, but it surely seems that was a part of the reason.

But I didn't know about it when I combatted him in Crete. Not that I wouldn't have been mad if I'd known. Probably there wouldn't have been much difference. Or I might've been angrier.

My mind understood what he was saying and doing—at least partly—but not my heart. Or maybe I should say I understood it but couldn't accept it, like he'd said at our meeting on the cliff. Yes, everyone has that kind of things. He had his, and I had mine. I understood he might be right; it might be wise to do as he said. But I couldn't do it. Couldn't accept doing it.

It wasn't just because I didn't want you to cry or suffer. I was mad because it seemed he wasn't thinking about your feelings at all even though you were his girlfriend, someone he cared about, someone he wanted to protect. But how can you protect someone if you don't think about their feelings? If you don't care about what's important to them?

Even if it was all right he didn't fight along with you or he fought against you, it didn't mean he didn't have to think about how it made you feel, how much pain he was causing you by harming what you cared about so much. I wanted him to see how you were, not what you should've done or how you should be.

And it was absolutely not all right he just blamed you and Orb for everything that was happening, for what he was doing. That he just gave up searching for another way and said he had no other choice.

Well, I guess he was being...what was it? Ah, yes, a hamster on a wheel. As you like to say. Yeah, I totally agree he tends to do that kind of thing. Thinking over the same thing again and again and getting fixated on it and being ignorant of other things. He's been like that since we were kids though I didn't come up with a funny description like yours.

And he's, ah, dense. I don't say "stupid." He's smart for sure. Though I have to say he does stupid things and needs reprimanding now and then.

Anyway, he sometimes gets rather short-sighted. He seemed too fixated on doing what he believed was right and insisting he was right to notice not just your feelings but also your situation during the battle at Crete. Even when you scared me by flying toward the Takemikazuchi, toward the Impulse, on your own. I wish you'd considered your safety more, as I told you then.

That's one of the things you and Athrun have in common. You two tend to put your personal stuff aside, like your safety, your feelings, your well-being, your happiness, and even your loved ones at times. I admire your desire to work for the greater good, sure, but it also worries me. I'm really glad you both seem to have grown out of it to an extent.

And I'm glad what I did was able to help him see things better, realize what he was doing and figure out the way to a place he really wanted to go to. I don't think it would've been good for him to continue what he was doing. I didn't want him to keep fighting like that, keep hurting you and in turn hurting himself without even realizing it.

Even if he wasn't aware of your pain then, eventually he would, and I was sure he'd regret his actions and suffer. I knew he was a good person and he genuinely cared about you despite his actions; he couldn't forgive himself so easily. Not to mention another tendency of his is beating up on himself once he realizes his mistake. I didn't want him to suffer as much as I didn't want you to.

Thus, I demolished his mobile suit so he wouldn't be able to fight for a while and could have some time to think again. I wonder if it can be counted as me reprimanding him? Well, he wouldn't be happy hearing it, so I just say we had a fight and I won. Not that he'd be pleased with this. He doesn't like losing, though he shows it only to those close to him and usually acts like he doesn't care much about winning or losing.

Well, I don't need to tell _you_ about it. You surely know it better than I do since you two always engage in a teasing contest or annoying contest or whatever. You're so competitive.

Okay, maybe I am too, sometimes. Like when we're playing video games. But I don't think I can ever match either of you for competitiveness. That's why I usually let you compete with each other, or I don't argue with you about which of us is older. It's best for everyone, right? You can have the satisfaction of being the older one. You and Athrun can have fun together. And I can have a peaceful time. Everyone's happy that way.

We're happy now. Sometimes I feel it's almost unbelievable. We're happy together after everything we've gone through. It's quite possible we wouldn't be if anything'd gone differently. There're so many things that could've gone wrong.

For instance, what could've happened to Athrun or his relationship with me if he hadn't met you? He mentioned he mightn't have been able to forgive me for killing his friend without your help. If I hadn't chased after you that day, you mightn't be alive. You wouldn't have been there to help him. I couldn't have reconciled with him then?

I guess it's likely. After all, he still looked conflicted and tense when we met in Orb after trying to kill each other. Until you came to engulf us in a big, enthusiastic hug, calling us idiots. Then, he appeared to loosen up.

Yeah, there really is something about you that makes people relax. Maybe it's because you're always so full of passion. Your passion's like, infectious, stirring other people's emotions, as Athrun puts it. Probably because your emotion's genuine, always coming straight from your heart, as well as your words. So they appeal to people's hearts and emotions.

I suppose that's what makes you a good leader. You may not be super intelligent or tactful. You may not be an outstanding politician. But you fiercely love Orb and the people of Orb and try to protect them, so they love you. You're so sincere and devoted they wanna support you and fight along with you.

And you passionately care about and love those around you, so we love you. That's definitely one of your strengths. I guess that's also what made Athrun fall for you. He seems to like it a lot when you're being passionate. Though he never says clearly. He always mumbles something and dodges the question if anyone asks. Oh well, that's Athrun Zala for you. He seldom talks about his feelings.

But he said he mightn't be alive if he hadn't met you. He might've killed himself because of self-hatred or his determination to sacrifice his life for the greater good. Would I have lost my best friend in one way or another, if I hadn't saved your life?

Then again, Athrun and me might've never fought in the first place. If I hadn't chased after you, I don't think I would've seen him in Heliopolis. We might've never known we were at the same place at the same time. Maybe we could've avoided suffering from fighting each other. I wouldn't have killed his friend Nicol; Athrun wouldn't have killed Tolle. They might be still alive. Especially Tolle.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder whether he would've still insisted on piloting a Skygrasper even if I hadn't been the pilot of the Strike. I believe he did it partly because he wanted to help me. And he probably thought he could pilot a battle plane if I could pilot a mobile suit.

Or am I just being full of myself? Maybe I didn't have much to do with his decision. After all, he was always interested in mobile suits and battle planes and what not. Maybe he would've done it anyway, regardless of my status. Like he decided to stay a part of the Archangel crew even if I wouldn't, as the other friends of mine did, which actually saved our lives. We would've been shot down by Yzak-san if we'd been in the escape shuttle.

Or maybe me and Tolle and my other friends wouldn't have boarded the Archangel to begin with and never come across Athrun and his teammates. I would've never piloted the Strike and Tolle would've never piloted a Skygrasper or died trying to help me.

But then, what would have happened? If me and Athrun hadn't fought, or if he hadn't met you, he probably wouldn't have deserted from ZAFT. Did it mean he would've helped his father destroy the Earth? I doubt that. I don't think he could've agreed with such a cruel plan even if he hadn't doubted the righteousness of ZAFT. Then...would he have killed his father, and himself?

You remember what Athrun told us, right? During the final battle of the First War, he was determined to stop his father even if it meant he had to die or kill his father with his own hands.

I'm not sure if he actually could've carried it out. Maybe he couldn't have. Or maybe he could've, believing it was the right thing. And it might've come true. He might've argued with his father in an attempt to stop his father from destroying millions of lives as he did when he was shot at by his father. He might've ended up killing his own father instead. In that case, I guess it's very likely he would've also killed himself afterward. I suspect he couldn't have forgiven himself.

And even if he could've, I'm glad things didn't turn out that way. I wouldn't want him to go through such an experience. I know you wouldn't, either.

How about during the Second War? What would've happened to Athrun or me if there hadn't been you? Would he have kept fighting on ZAFT's side? Would I have still fought on Orb's side? I guess I would've if Orb was attacked. After all, my parents live there and it's my home country. I could've left the Orb forces alone, but probably not Orb. Then, we would've fought against each other even without you, after all.

I don't think we would've tried to kill each other once more. I didn't wanna do it ever again. I'm sure he didn't, either. However, if he'd continued to fight for ZAFT, I probably would've died. Even though Athrun couldn't have killed me, I'm sure Shinn or that boy...Rey, he would've.

Athrun might've defected anyway, though it seemed unlikely he could've successfully escaped. Kisaka-san mightn't have been there to help Athrun and Meyrin-san. Even if he had, why would he save ZAFT soldiers? If it weren't for you, he and Athrun probably wouldn't have known each other. Maybe Athrun would've died as well.

It's rather amazing. If I hadn't saved your life when we first met, I might've died later. If Athrun'd killed you when you two first met, he might've died later. And if you hadn't saved me and Athrun, or if Orb hadn't offered us protection, you and Orb might've perished later because Athrun or me wouldn't have been there to protect you. Although none of us did what we did because we wanted to get repaid or wanted to repay, it seems to have worked out that way.

Well, maybe it's not so strange. We're all friends, and friends help each other. Even if we don't agree on some things, even if we sometimes fight each other, it doesn't mean we hate each other or we're no longer friends. We can still love each other and give each other our help when it's needed and we can.

Though once the situation changes—often without giving us time to get prepared—we can't really get back what we had, what we were, because it's already past. The only way to have each other back is to face the change and try to build a new relationship. Then, maybe we can talk again, understand each other, and get back in each other's life. Maybe we can be with the people we wanna be in the place we've reached even though we chose different ways. Maybe our paths cross or join again. Like Athrun's and mine did in the end of the First War. Like yours and mine did with his in the end of the Second War.

That's one of the things I learned during the wars.

I knew our choice to intervene in battles wasn't really the best. Athrun was right about it. However, if we hadn't done it, those Orb soldiers like Amagi-san would've died. We might've been wrong, but at least we saved their lives. Although it doesn't make what we did the right thing, it was still worthwhile. I'm sure you agree with me. I don't think it's ever wrong to save or protect someone's life. Especially if it's someone we care about. And even if it's wrong, I can't choose to do nothing when someone I care about is suffering or someone's in danger before my eyes. I couldn't anymore.

Maybe I did wrong. Maybe you did wrong. Maybe Athrun did wrong. Maybe Lacus did wrong, too. Maybe our decisions and actions were wrong. But our desire to protect our loved ones and our happiness wasn't wrong. And we did what we thought was best, best for ourselves.

There're times we don't know what's right and what's wrong. Times we're misguided. Times we lack clues to figure out the best way. Yet, we can't always put off making a decision. Sometimes we still have to act.

So we do what we believe's best at that point. It may turn out wrong. It may turn out right. It may make us happy. It may make us suffer. We may regret it. We may become satisfied with it. Whichever way, we deal with the consequences, eventually accept them, and move on, making another decision we believe's best now, whether it's the same as before or totally different.

Isn't it the only thing we can do after all? Do the best we can right at this moment, even though we can never know for sure where it'll bring us to. We just hope we can find what we wanted there. It may be a vain hope. But it's not meaningless, is it? We may find our happiness anyway even if it's different from what we originally wanted.

I know the importance of being patient and waiting for the right time. But I also know the importance of taking an action. It's hard to do something you're not certain will go well. But if you don't do anything, tell yourself you can't do anything and give up, then you can do even less. Nothing'll change.

It's difficult. Whether you should fight or shouldn't. Whether you should take an action or wait patiently. But in the end, it's you that make the decision for yourself. It's the most important thing.

Because you're the one, the only one, truly responsible for your life. The only one who can never escape from it. You're the one to fight your battle, fight for and protect your happiness. And the one to truly know what's your happiness. So it should be you that decide how you live your life, decide what you should do, choose the path you follow, right?

And we all did it.

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	3. L

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Would I still be with Lacus if I hadn't met you and hadn't piloted the Strike? Would she still be alive in the first place? When I collected her life pod, I was kinda reprimanded. I'm not sure someone else, an EF soldier, would've done the same. Well, I guess Mwu-san would've.

However, I don't think he would've ever set her free. He was a proper soldier after all. Not like me. Even I mightn't have done it if she hadn't been Athrun's fiancée. I didn't do it just because I felt bad about taking her hostage. I didn't want to take someone important away from him, especially after hearing about his mother's death.

But Mwu-san wouldn't have had such a reason. Then, Lacus would've been taken to an EF base, and used as a pawn for negotiation. She could've been harmed, and killed at worst.

Would we have even met? We could've, if I'd seen Athrun again in a different situation after the war, though it's likely they'd already have gotten married by then.

I'm not sure if we would've still come to love each other the way we do now, if we would've still chosen to be together. We would've definitely liked each other. But would the feelings have grown into love? Would she have left Athrun for me even if they were married? Would I have stolen my childhood friend's wife? Would we have gone that far?

Honestly, I don't know. I wouldn't say it's impossible. But I can't be certain we would've chosen each other even then. We might've ended up being just good friends and content with it.

Do you think you would've ended up with Athrun no matter what? Do you think he's your soul mate or something like that? Do you believe there's only one person you're meant to be with?

I don't believe that. I don't really think I would've ended up with Lacus no matter how our lives'd turned out. It's not like I don't love her. You know I do. It's just, as I said before, I don't think fate is the one that creates our future. I don't think everything that happened was meant to happen no matter what and we could've never prevented them.

As glad as I am I'm with her, I believe it's the consequence of our choices. My choices and her choices. Fate, or gods or stars, didn't decide we'd be together. We chose to be. And that's why we're happy and our relationship's important to us.

You and Athrun probably feel the same way, and much more strongly than I do, I guess. After all, you've gone through a lot more than we have. Like the matter of the ring Athrun gave you just before the Second War.

When you took it off, I didn't get why. I knew you and Athrun still loved each other, but I wasn't completely sure you were all right until I saw you hug each other tightly. You got me worried.

But not Athrun. It's actually interesting. Usually, he's far from optimistic, and yet he seems pretty confident when it comes to you. I wonder if that's because you two are very lovey-dovey when no one's around? If so, I'm curious and wanna see how you act...on second thought, maybe I don't.

I'm not sure I really wanna see it with my own eyes. I mean, you're my sister after all. Sure, it's not like we grew up together, and I never really felt like chasing men away from you. I'm pretty sure Athrun wants to do it at least ten times more than I do. And it's not like I mind him being affectionate with you. I'm totally okay with you two being a couple.

Still, I don't think I wanna see you making out with him. Well, most people don't wanna see other people making out. But it's different. It feels so...awkward. Much more awkward than seeing someone else do it.

Well, anyway, now I know why you took off the ring, and I agree it was the right decision. It's not like I'm a relationship expert, but being together means much more than loving each other. It's not easy to stay in a relationship even when both of you love each other, I suppose. Sometimes you want different things in your lives. Sometimes you want different kinds of future, different kinds of life. ...Sometimes you just can't be happy with someone you love.

Being with someone you love doesn't guarantee your happiness. Sometimes it seems even like the opposite. Sometimes it seems like, and perhaps it is, what ruins your happiness, and in turn their happiness because we can't be happy when our loved ones aren't. And vice versa.

We are two different persons with different wishes. And sometimes, being ourselves means you have to go separate ways. Because you can't be happy otherwise. You can't reach where you wanna go, reach your happiness, if you choose a wrong way due to your fear of parting with someone you love.

So I understand you needed to do it, to correct your mistake, to protect your happiness, and Athrun's. But it must've been painful. It takes a lot of strength and courage to let go of someone you love even if you know it's necessary for your happiness. I'm proud of you for facing up to such a tough decision, sis.

And I would've supported you and Athrun even if you'd chosen to go separate ways. I would've been happy for you if you'd found someone else you could be happy with.

That said, I'm glad you didn't choose that way. I'm glad you're still together. I love both of you and want you to be happy even if separately. I'm happy as long as you're happy. But when you're happy together, well, I'm definitely happier.

You may say the same thing if I tell you about my hesitation to get into a relationship with Lacus. You probably didn't notice it, did you? I never told anyone about it, even Lacus.

When the First War ended, I wasn't mentally and emotionally prepared for a new relationship. Not just because of the war, but also because of my history with Fllay.

So much happened between us. Our relationship—which we probably wouldn't have had if I hadn't piloted the Strike—wasn't exactly a good one or a peaceful one. We started it for rather wrong reasons, made mistakes, hurt each other. But still, I cared about her. And I believe she still cared about me, too. I really wish we'd been able to meet and talk again like we promised when we met last. I don't know how our relationship would've become. But whatever kind it was, we could've had a better relationship, I'm sure. Maybe we could be good lifelong friends.

But we never had a chance. Because I failed to protect her even though I should have, I could have. She was just right there, in front of me. We were so close. Yet, I couldn't save her life.

Her smile I saw at the last moment made her death even more unbearable. It was genuine. I felt she was truly happy to see me. I felt we could finally face each other fully, all the good and the bad, and talk heart to heart, which we'd never done. I felt she wanted to do it as much as I did. I felt some kind of connection, like she understood me and I could understand her. Like we finally had something real.

Then, next instant, she was ripped away from me.

Everything that could've happened between us. Everything that we could've become. All possibilities were gone in a blink of an eye, taken away from me, and it was so...painful. Maybe it was wrong of me to want to avenge her despite knowing the harm of hatred and revenge. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't forgive Raww Le Klueze, and I killed him.

However, I still couldn't find closure. My feelings for her, my words I hadn't been able to tell her, her words I hadn't been able to get to hear, our relationship, our faults. Everything was left up in the air. I was left up in the air, unable to go anywhere.

I didn't wanna be romantically involved with anyone again at least for a while. I couldn't. All I wanted was peace, and getting into a new relationship was hardly a peaceful thing to do. I even couldn't really think about my future, what I was going to do with my life. Much less start a new relationship and a new life. Having another relationship seemed too much for me to handle. Especially with Lacus.

Being with her was soothing, peaceful. I didn't wanna disturb the peace. I guess I was afraid of changing the nature of our relationship, us becoming something new and different. Well, I was basically afraid, or at least reluctant, to change any part of my life. But probably even more so when it came to my relationship with her. I was more or less satisfied with what I had, and didn't want more.

Not to mention a change involves risks. I didn't wanna risk my friendship with her. I thought I might lose her even as a friend if we became lovers and then it didn't work out. I didn't want that.

Another thing that made me reluctant was the kind of life and future I'd likely have with her. I wasn't sure if I could stand what a life with her meant, or if I wanted it in the first place.

Every time the idea of becoming her boyfriend crossed my mind, I couldn't help but worry about what'd happen if she decided to go back to PLANT someday, whether as an idol or a politician. Even if I'd remained an ordinary citizen of Orb, it would've been possible the media'd find out about me and my life'd be disturbed. Probably I wouldn't be able to steer clear of the spotlight, have a peaceful, ordinary life, I was afraid.

And assuming she forever gives up being a singer and a politician for the sake of our relationship...will it be really good for her? Will it really make her happy to abandon her dream and her duty? Will it really make _me_ happy? Can we be happy that way? Isn't it better for both of us to stay friends? I couldn't find the answers.

I didn't know what I wanted. I couldn't figure out the way I wanted to go. I didn't wanna think about it even.

So I just turned a blind eye to my feelings for her, and her feelings for me. I know it was kinda cruel to her. But I needed to protect myself and take care of myself first. As sorry as I am I must've hurt her by that attitude, I still believe it was necessary for me. I don't think we could've had a good outcome if I'd jumped into something I wasn't ready for. Maybe she knew it. Maybe that's why she let me have the time and space I needed without pushing me.

After we were attacked by the ZAFT special team and left Orb, we became a bit closer. Or maybe I should say we returned to how we were in the end of the previous war. We were clearly more than friends. My life turned less peaceful; I was less afraid of getting involved and more open to changes. Also, the attack made me worry about her and wanna be around her more strongly than before. The incident acutely reminded me of the fear of losing someone I loved.

However, I still avoided making things clear between us, giving a clear definition to our relationship. I liked her. I cared about her. I loved her. I didn't wanna lose her. That much, I was sure of. But I wasn't sure I was ready to change our relationship to a more intimate one. I searched for answers, thought more seriously about what kind of life and future I wanted, but I was mostly focusing on the present, protecting the people I cared about and getting back peace. Peace for me, for her, for everyone.

But then, she decided to leave the Archangel for space, which made me quite restless. Not just because it was dangerous and I was feeling I had to protect her. It didn't sit well with me she was gonna leave my side. I was so used to having her around. Maybe too used to it. I wanted her to stay with me. Or I wanted to go with her.

Yet she didn't let me, and she was right. It wasn't what I had to do then. Or what I really wanted to do even. I wasn't really thinking about my action and probably would've regretted it if I'd left you and the Archangel with no protection.

I was just afraid of parting with her. I guess I was a bit obsessed with her, or more like with protecting her. Or protecting anyone. I was partly driven by fear. I was scared of failing to protect someone I cared about again. I felt I had to be strong and stick with them.

However, I shouldn't let my fear control me. I had to face my anxiety and deal with it instead of clinging to her blindly and abandoning everything else including other people that mattered to me, abandoning my responsibility again.

I had to follow through on my decision. Even if it meant having to part with her. Like you had to follow through on your decision even if it pissed Athrun off. We had to fight through the battle we'd decided we should fight, not giving up.

That's why, by the way, I told you you had to go before we headed for Crete. I knew you wanted to make another attempt to stop the Orb forces and protect the soldiers, but hesitated because of what Athrun'd said, and maybe of what he'd say, too. You were doubting yourself, your decision, your judgement again, like you had when in Orb. At the same time, though, you still wanted to go. I could see it. And I knew that you should believe in yourself. That you should do what you felt was best for you and what you thought you should do, even if there were objections. Even if it was Athrun who's objecting.

You shouldn't just abandon your goals or wishes because it causes some disturbances in your relationships, right? Although I learned that mostly through my relationships with my friends, especially during the First War, I'm sure it's the same with a romantic relationship.

If you give up what you truly wanna do because of your partner or friend, I don't think it'll be good for the relationship anyway. Or if you do something you truly don't wanna do just because you feel you have to do it for them.

Sure, we sometimes do what we don't exactly wanna do or give up doing what we wanna do because of someone we love. But it's different, isn't it? We do that because we'll be happier that way. Because those things are what we can bear even if it's not easy. Because it's not what really matters to us in the end.

But I don't think it'd make you happy if you did a similar thing about what really matters to you. It'd just ruin your relationship with the person. More than arguments or a long distance would.

There're some wishes we can't give up on, some lines we can't bear crossing, some boundaries we need to protect. And that's who we are. If you can't be who you are with your friend, how can you feel comfortable around them? If you can't be who you are with your partner, how can you have a happy life together?

We have to protect who we are, protect ourselves. Otherwise, we can't protect what we care about. We can't make those we love, those who love us, happy. Right?

And having some distance was good for me and Lacus, or at least for me. I think I needed to spend some time away from her to get ready for the relationship with her.

I needed to realize I could do fine without her and yet, I still wanted her to be here with me. Not because I didn't know what to do without her. Not because I had no one else to turn to. Not because I wanted my surroundings to remain unchanged including having her around. But simply because I wanted to be with her.

But it was only when I heard about the Eternal being pursued by ZAFT and thought I might lose her forever that I truly realized how much she meant to me. She'd always been around me, giving me what I needed. Comfort or words or power. She'd helped me heal from the wounds of the First War. Not that she was the only one. Many other people had as well. But she'd given me such a great help, devoting a lot of time and effort to caring for me, even as much as my mom had. She'd been there for me, patiently waiting for me to recover. And I wanted to be there for her, too. I wanted to protect her myself rather than entrusting the job to someone else.

At that time, I also realized the value of my power. What had always made me suffer about it was I had the power I didn't want; it caused me to do something I didn't really wanna do because I had the power to do it. The source of my suffering'd always been having power.

I'd been reluctant to get involved in fighting again partly because I didn't wanna think about my power, which led my thoughts to what I was, what the man—the man who fathered me and you—had done to create me.

He made me this way. He made me good at fighting. He made me have the power I'd never asked for. I don't know what he was expecting of me, and I don't care. Even if I knew, I wouldn't try to live up to it. I don't even want to think about him. I never did. But my abilities, my power, made me do it.

And I was afraid of my power. I wanted to believe my power wasn't everything about me. I knew those I loved—my parents, you, Lacus, Athrun, and my other friends—understood it. I knew you cared about me just because I was myself, not because I had power, not because I was an Ultimate Coordinator. I knew your love for me would be no different whether I was an ordinary person who had no power or the only Ultimate Coordinator who had strong power.

Besides, even though my power wasn't everything, it was still a part of me. No matter how much I didn't like it. My being an Ultimate Coordinator or my history as the pilot of the Freedom as well. I couldn't keep denying them. I knew it deep down.

Still, I hated my power. I hated using it. Sometimes...no, for the longest time after I'd learned about our biological parents, I hated myself. The care and love you all gave me made it easier for me to deal with my self-hatred. It greatly healed me. Even with that, however, I had to struggle hard to accept my power, accept myself just as I was.

Ironically, as much as I hate fighting, it's also one of the things that helped me. Without my power, I couldn't have protected the people I cared about. I couldn't have helped you. I couldn't have defended myself. I couldn't have contributed to restoring peace. No matter how much I didn't like my power, I had to admit it allowed me to do what I wanted to.

When I lost to Shinn, I was unsettled because I no longer had a mobile suit of my own and therefore no longer could use my power. At least not as well as I could with the Freedom. Contrary to my suffering in the past, I was suffering from not having power. I was anxious if anyone attacked the Archangel now, I probably wouldn't be able to protect you guys.

As hard as it is to have the power I don't want, it'd be even harder, probably the hardest, to be unable to do anything even though I really wanna do something. You can't choose whether or not to use your power if you don't have power to begin with.

And it was coming true. I thought I couldn't even try to rescue the Eternal without my own mobile suit. I was frightened that the same thing was happening again. That another person I loved'd die without our promise to meet again being fulfilled. That I was failing again.

It was then that I truly appreciated the importance of having power. It was probably the first time I really craved for power. Even when given the Freedom, I hadn't wanted it as much.

Then, Athrun and you and the Archangel crew gave me power. He encouraged me to leave the Archangel, which I was a little afraid of doing for I was also worried about your safety. You let me use your mobile suit so I had a means to do what I wanted to. The crew gave me their full support so I could fight, could protect, as well as possible.

Well, okay, you didn't exactly let me borrow the Strike Rouge. I kinda just took it after asking, without waiting for your response. But I knew you'd say yes, so I just saved time. It was an emergency situation, after all. And I'm sorry I got it broken and couldn't return it to you. I know you weren't happy about it as glad as you were that Lacus and the others were okay. But hey, it was worth the sacrifice, wasn't it? Thanks to the Rouge, I was in time to save the Eternal.

I was happy that they were all right. That Lacus was all right. I wasn't too late. I didn't fail. I made it this time. She was alive and just there and still loving me. She'd always loved me even during the time I was running away from our feelings. And I felt more strongly I loved her. I was reminded how fortunate we were to be able to meet and talk again, which we tend to forget at peaceful times.

When she showed me the Strike Freedom, I was grateful to have it. Grateful I had my power, the ability to pilot a mobile suit. Probably for the first time, I was glad I could fight again.

And I realized I was ready. I knew my battle, what I should fight against and how, how I wanna live my life. I was prepared to fight, to keep fighting. Not just militarily. I knew now I could try for a new relationship, for a new life even if it meant I'd face big changes. I was ready to move on.

I had my power. I had my feelings, my wishes I wanted to achieve through fighting and my will to fight.

Maybe I should thank you? Since fighting along with you, supporting your fight, prepared me for fighting along with her. It made me realize as much as I didn't like engaging in battles, war, or politics, I could put up with it if it was necessary to protect my loved ones. It gave me confidence I was able to stand that kind of life. Without you, it could've taken longer for me to prepare myself. Or my relationship with Lacus might've turned out differently.

It's strange that fighting, what I hate, somehow led me to the happiness I have now. And it's funny only one encounter seems to be able to change our life so much, isn't it? The day we met, we didn't spend much time together. Less than thirty minutes. We didn't exchange many words, even our names. Or we didn't at all before I followed you. It was such a brief encounter and yet, it changed so many things. Not just the things in our lives.

Say, what would've happened to Orb if you'd died that day? Would Uzumi-san still have sent the Kusanagi to space, choosing someone else as their leader? Would the Archangel still have gone to Orb after it deserted the EF? What would've happened to Orb, to the world, after the First War?

Would we have still been able to stop the Destiny Plan? If we hadn't had you on our side, we wouldn't have had the backing of Orb. The Archangel and the Eternal would've had to fight alone. We couldn't have had enough military power to match ZAFT. Lacus probably couldn't have had a chance to expose Mr. Dullindal's scheme.

I doubt we still could've succeeded. Maybe the plan would've been carried out. I don't know what we'd be doing in such a world even if we were alive. Would we keep hiding and running, trying to avoid being controlled by the plan? Would Athrun have accepted following Mr. Dullindal and living under the plan? Maybe with the Meer girl still pretending to be Lacus, his fiancée? If he hadn't met you, he might've contended himself with such a life, I suppose.

Lacus might've resisted the plan and gotten killed or forced to go under hiding. Or she'd have accepted the plan? She might've if it allowed her to have a peaceful life, which she wants as much as I do. With Athrun or me or someone else.

Maybe I would've accepted the plan, too, if it'd been before I piloted a mobile suit, or before I found out the truth of my birth. ...No, even then, I might've still done so. I might've ended up being like Rey.

Not that I know much about how he was. I didn't really meet him or talk with him. Only briefly. From what I witnessed and what I've heard from Shinn and Lunamaria, though, I feel I can understand him to an extent. He probably believed that what his genes said about him was everything. That he was what someone who'd created him or something like fate'd decided for him to be, nothing else. That he was Raww Le Klueze, not Rey, because he was the man's clone.

I might've believed something like that myself. Or I might've hated this world and wanted to end it like Raw Le Klueze did, believing humans and this world were so hopeless and didn't deserve to exist anymore. If something'd gone differently in my life, I might've done what they did.

But I didn't. Probably I was simply luckier than they were. Maybe the only difference between me and them is I had you, all of you who loved me. And I loved you.

Murrue-san once said we could love the world because we had the people we cared about. I completely and wholeheartedly agree with her. When I learned about how I was created, I felt maybe I shouldn't have been born. During the final battle of the First War, I didn't even know if I wanted to survive. I'd taken many lives. I'd caused many people to die. On top of that, I might've been created to do just that, created as a weapon. As something that caused conflicts. Something that shouldn't exist.

But still, I was willing to fight. Not just because I felt I owed ending the war to those I'd killed. I also wanted to protect this world. It's here that my loved ones live, and that alone was enough reason for me to want this world to go on so you could keep living. Even if I wouldn't be there.

I couldn't protect Tolle. I couldn't protect Fllay. There're many more people I couldn't protect. And many people I killed. Yet I still had many people I wanted to protect. So I fought.

Then, after the battle ended, floating in space, I was feeling like I wanted to disappear now. I knew I was gonna die if I didn't do anything, but I couldn't find the strength to struggle to survive. I didn't really have hope for me, for my future. I thought it wasn't so bad to die, or even it might be better for me to die. My life, my sins, my origin, felt so heavy and unbearable, and I wanted to be relieved from the burdens. From all this suffering. All this pain. I just wanted to be gone, leaving such a painful time and place behind.

However, you and Athrun came to me.

Closing my eyes, I can still recall vividly the sight of the half-broken Strike Rouge. And your smiles. Your tears. You looked so happy.

You were happy because I was alive. Because you loved me and wanted me to live, wanted me with you. And I felt happy to see you as well. Happy you were alive and here and loving me. Seeing your faces, I started to feel glad I was still here in this universe, here with you. I thought, maybe, just maybe, it wasn't so bad to keep living even if this universe was so full of pain; it might be worth it if it meant I could still be with you. Even if it was just a fleeting moment, I was filled with happiness while hugging you and Athrun and being hugged by you.

Then we returned to the Eternal, and Lacus, Murrue-san, Miri, Ssigh, and the others welcomed me back with genuine happiness, too. Not to mention my parents when we went back to Orb.

Your love is what made me really realize Lacus's words were true. Everyone has a place in this world because we were born here. Because we are here. We belong to it. And it belongs to us, all of us. We're all entitled to live as a part of this world, and therefore, we're all responsible for it.

No one person should be allowed to control the world or end it just as they please. You shouldn't just give up on the entire humanity and decide the destiny of the entire world, no matter how much misery you've experienced. Decide we better be all dead, literally or figuratively.

Sure, we're not perfect. Not at all. We make mistakes. We do wrong. We hurt each other. We hate each other. But also, we love each other. We try to protect each other. We try to do right. We try to make up for our mistakes. We try to understand each other. We try to be a better person.

Because we know. We know we have weaknesses, so we can make an effort to manage them and grow. We know we don't know everything, so we can make an effort to learn, understand better, and make a wiser choice. We know our mistakes, so we can make an effort to not repeat them, to do better this time.

And we can. We can understand each other. We can accept each other. We can change. Humans may be capable of destroying the world, making this universe full of wrongness and pain. Humans may be greedy and stupid. However, I don't believe it's all we are, all we can do. I don't believe there's no hope.

We're capable of protecting the world and making this universe a better place, too. We can do differently. We can be different. We can choose a different way. We can create a happy future while being humans, being people with desires, with dreams.

As much as I hadn't been able to let Raww Le Klueze end this world, I couldn't accept what Mr. Dullindal was trying to turn this world into: a world where everyone's forced to live in accordance solely with their genes and abilities. In accordance with what we are and what we can do, nothing else.

Mr. Dullindal had a point. Our desires're certainly dangerous, endangering our future. But still, we can't just stop living, just continuing to exist without wanting anything. Just fulfilling the role given to us, with our will and wishes being squashed. Just as a vessel of our power. That's not a life.

You can't just cut people into pieces, their abilities and their will and wishes, and discard the part you don't want. The part you don't like. We can't become just one component whose only purpose is to allow the world to function. As much as I wanna protect this world, humans don't exist for the world, right? The place humans live is the world. If we stop living, what kind of world would there be?

I didn't want such a thing. I wanted something different. I wanted tomorrow. I didn't want to end. I wanted to live. I didn't want to give up.

Therefore, I chose to remain the pilot of the Freedom—the Strike Freedom instead of going back to an ordinary person. I chose to remain a soldier instead of going back to a civilian. I chose to do my part in creating the future I wished for this time, fulfill my duty to this world. Not because I had to. Not because I was told to. Not just because I could do it. But because I thought I should do it and I wanted to do it.

You chose to fight. Athrun chose to fight. Lacus chose to fight. And I did as well.

However, it's not to say I chose not to be just Kira anymore. I still am. I've always been, and I'll always be.

Like you're still just Cagalli even though you're also Representative Athha, or the Lioness of Orb. Like Lacus's still just Lacus even though she's also Ambassador Clyne-Yamato, or the Songstress of Peace. Like Athrun's still just Athrun even though he's also a warrior, or Admiral Zala.

A pilot. A soldier. A politician. A noble. An idol. Those are our roles. Although just fulfilling a role isn't living, it doesn't mean we shouldn't play a role if we wanna live. We can, and we do. What's important is how we do it, why we do it.

Sometimes, we feel we have to give up being just ourself to fill the role. But it's not true, is it? We need to be ourself, with our own will and feelings. Our role's only a part of us, like our power. Power is just power. A role is just a role. We are the one to use it, in order to make our dreams come true.

We can't change what we are. We probably can't change who we are, either. And it may not be possible for us to change our roles or positions. But we can change how we live. We can decide what kind of person we become, or at least try to become, and what kind of life we'll have.

We can be just a puppet. We can be just a tool. We can just let someone or something control us. We can just let them decide our path and dictate our life. It may be easier.

Or we can be ourself, a person. Which we are. We can choose to live as ourself. We can choose to decide our own destiny. That's the power we have. The power everyone has. Not just me and you and Lacus and Athrun and our comrades.

We're not special. I don't think we're the only ones who could do what we did. It's possible things wouldn't have changed much even if all of us'd died. Even if we hadn't gotten involved. Even if we'd never been born even. Maybe the wars would've ended anyway. Maybe the Destiny Plan would've been stopped anyway. Maybe some other people would've stood up and fought because they thought there was no one else to do the job or something. Maybe they could've done what we did in a better way.

We're not different from everyone else. We're just one person even if we have some extraordinary power or position. Whatever our status is. However we were born. Whether Coordinator or Natural, or Ultimate Coordinator or clone, we are just one of the many lives that exist in this universe. Nothing more. Nothing less.

So we live. We fight. We try. We just keep doing it without giving up, no matter how many times we fail or our efforts are blown away. We pick up the pieces and continue, helping each other do it. It's tough and sometimes devastating. I've been struggling and suffering. I know you have, too. Everyone does. And probably we always will.

There're still so many things we don't know yet. So many things we may never know. So many things we may never understand. Probably our search'll never end. Our suffering'll never end. No matter how hard we try, maybe there's so little we can do. So little we can change.

Nevertheless, it's still worth doing. No matter how small, the changes we make, the steps we take are meaningful and worthwhile. And necessary for preventing the world from coming to an end.

Even though many horrible things happened and are happening, this world is still worth protecting. Despite all these misery we endure, our life is still worth living, worth fighting for. With all our weaknesses and flaws, we are still worth existing.

Because our fingers can do a lot more than pull the trigger to avenge, like planting flowers to grieve and remember, like taking hands to forgive and live together. Our hearts are capable of not only hating but also loving and caring. Our eyes can see something other than hatred, like goodness and hope. Even if we can't do it now, if we keep trying, keep believing, keep fighting, we surely can someday. Maybe tomorrow.

Because we're not alone.

That is what I believe.

* * *

:


	4. K

:

* * *

A little earlier than the time we promised, I get off a limousine before the entrance of the Athha mansion and walk into it. I'm welcomed by your butler.

Coincidentally, I'm in Orb this very day to take care of some business. Well, I was told it was a coincidence, but I still suspect Lacus's behind this. She looked rather mischievous when I told her the news.

Anyway, if I'm in Orb today, we must meet in person, like you said. After all, this'll be the first time we spend this day together after we found out we were twins. Although we've had chances before, somehow either of us always had to cancel the meeting. But it seems we can finally do it this year.

Hearing a noise, I turn my head to find you hastily walking into the entrance hall. You also find me and start to run toward me, beaming.

I'm surprised, and hurry toward you to receive you in my arms.

"Happy birthday, Kira!" you shout, smiling and laughing and squeezing me.

I can't help smiling as well. "Happy birthday, Cagalli." I hug you back, though gently. It's probably not a good idea to squeeze you, considering your current condition.

"But shouldn't you avoid running?" I look down at the bulge in your body.

"Don't get me started," you groan. "I just had to reprimand Athrun for being overprotective this morning. I wouldn't like doing it twice in only a few hours."

"I'm just worried," I answer, my eyes still on your midsection. It's been months since we met face-to-face last. "You're quite..." I catch myself before I say "bigger." Lacus warned me not to say that. Maybe "rounder"? No, it still wouldn't come out right.

As I struggle to find a better word, you ask, "Do you want to touch?"

I shift my eyes to your face which is excited. "Um...is it fine?"

"Of course!"

You take my hand and put it on your big, round belly. Then, I feel...something lightly bumping from the opposite side. I stare at my hand.

"Is that..."

"The baby is kicking."

"Wow," is the only word I can manage. My eyes are glued to the place where our bodies touch.

A baby is inside you, alive and well and kicking. A life. That is related to you, and therefore to me. We all share the same blood—half of which came from Ulen Hibiki.

Then, I think about the day we met and feel amazed. If I hadn't met you that day, the baby mightn't be here. I might've never had a niece, or a nephew. I might've never felt this wonder, and love for someone I don't even know yet.

I think about the strange twist of life. I can't help thinking our encounter seems to have been really fateful. I can't help wondering whether there's something like fate after all, though I still don't think it decides everything in our lives even if it exists.

Maybe fate takes part only in encounters. Maybe fate leads us to meet and then, leaves the rest in our hands. What we do after the encounter. Whether we part ways or stay in each other's life. If it's the case, I sincerely thank fate for having made us reunite after a long separation.

It's one of the greatest gifts I've ever got that I have you as my sister. The only thing I'm happy to have known among those secrets about our biological family is my sister's none other than you.

Although the revelation was surprising and somewhat shocking at first, it was some consolation to me when I was suffering after finding out how I'd been created. That at least my sister was someone I could like, and someone I already liked. Someone who I knew for sure was a good person. Someone who cared about me, not for my genes or abilities, but for who I was.

I sometimes hate my blood, and I probably would've hated it much more if I hadn't been aware you were the sister I hadn't known having.

Well, if I hadn't chased after you and gotten involved in the war, I might've never met Raww Le Klueze or gone to Mendel. I might've never found out about my origin to begin with.

But I might've still come to know it somehow, and then would've suffered more. Without you, I might've hated everything about my family. I mean, my biological family. I don't think I could've hated Mom and Dad. They love me so much and raised me as their own. They are the best parents anyone could hope for.

My biological parents are a different story. Even my biological mother. I don't wanna dislike her. She's Mom's sister, someone Mom loved. And I don't dislike her. I know Via Hibiki was rather a good person, suffering because of the cruel experiment her husband conducted. Maybe as much as I have.

Probably that's why I don't like to think about her. She reminds me of how much pain and suffering the experiment caused. The experiment which gave birth to me. I was the source of her pain and suffering in a way.

I know she still loved me. Mom says so, and I'm at least sure she really believes it. Plus, as Lacus once pointed out, our biological mother appears to be smiling at me as warmly and lovingly as at you in that photo. I suppose, or hope, she saw me and cared about me as a person, not as an Ultimate Coordinator or as a tool to make her wishes come true like her husband did. That she loved us as you and me.

Yet, she can still bring me feelings of guilt. I can't really think about her without thinking about the sacrifices made to create an Ultimate Coordinator. The darkness and ugliness surrounding my birth.

It's a really good thing we knew each other before finding out the truth about our relation. Otherwise, I might've felt the same way about you, which I wouldn't want.

And probably my blood isn't such a bad thing, right? Our blood's, though hardly the only thing, one of the things that connect us. My blood also connects me with Mom. My love for you and Mom wouldn't change the slightest even if we weren't blood-related. But I'm truly glad we are, since you make me feel better about ties of blood.

I still don't like that man. Our biological father. I still feel disgusted with what he did, the extent he went to fulfill his greedy wish. I still hate the fact my blood's partly his.

However...if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be here. Your baby wouldn't be here.

For that, at the very least, I can appreciate his existence.

Sometimes, I wonder what I would be doing, where I would be if I hadn't met you that day, hadn't chased after you that day. My life would've probably been more ordinary, and more peaceful. Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the agony of war. I might be happier.

Or not. Someone I love mightn't be alive, or mightn't be in my life. Even I myself mightn't be here. I mightn't have experienced as much happiness as I have. I might be having a miserable and unhappy life, hating myself.

I wouldn't know. No one can know what would've happened if they'd chosen a different way. It's both a blessing and a curse. What might've happened can make you feel bitter, leading you to forget the value of what you have now. Because you might've had a better life. Or it can make you feel happy, reminding you of how precious your current life is. Because you might've had a worse life. We never know which is true. Well, probably both are true. There must be at least several possible futures that might've come true, or a lot more. Some of them better than the one we're living right now; some of them worse.

However, it doesn't matter in the end, does it? What we actually have and what actually happened is the only thing that really matters. It doesn't matter what we might've had, what we could've had. Though it's difficult to accept it. Everyone must wonder from time to time what would've happened to them if they'd made a different choice in their life. Like I sometimes do. It's not a bad thing. It's just a human thing, I guess.

What's important is what we do with the wondering. It's up to us whether we dwell on what-ifs and ruin what we have, or we use it to appreciate more what's in our hands.

And now gazing at your face filled with happiness, smiling and laughing and talking with you about our family and friends, I feel pretty sure—surer than ever—I'd choose the same way even if I could go back in time. I won't lie. There're many things I prefer to have avoided, many things I wish I'd never known or experienced.

Nevertheless, I'm glad I chased after you that day because you'd be very likely to have died otherwise. Well, you might've found another way to survive, considering the quite good luck you seem to have. You've survived a raid on a colony and plunder of mobile suits twice without much injury, after all. But the odd is high you couldn't have made it. And I certainly wouldn't want that.

Even though its consequences still trouble me once in a while, I don't regret the choice I made that day. I don't regret I followed you and put you in a shelter. Because I'm happy I came to know you as my friend and sister. I'm happy you are still alive and in my life.

Even though my past still haunts me, I'm happy with the way things are. I'm happy where I am. I'm happy with my life. More than anything, I'm happy I'm with the people I love.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N** : As you have probably figured out, I'm a sucker for sibling love, and I love Kira & Cagalli very much. While AthrunCagalli is my favorite couple, the twins are my favorite non-romantic pair. And if I have to pick one among all pairs, non-romantic ones and romantic ones altogether, I might choose the twins over AC. That's how much I love them. And that may be partly why this fic got quite long.

The word I feel that fit Kira best is "mild." Compared to other characters, he seems to be moderate in any characteristics, and have a high tolerance for uncertainty. Maybe that's why he can be compatible with Lacus who seems to peculiarly prefer to be enigmatic.

Anyway, being "mild" can mean balanced, passive, flexible, or impressionable. I think all of these are more or less true about Kira.

···

I suppose some explanation is needed concerning the KiraLacus relationship. It seems to me the nature of their intimacy changed twice during GSD. Before the ZAFT special unit attack, their exchanges appeared rather one-way: Lacus looking at Kira, following him around, or initiating a conversation with him. And they didn't touch each other.

During and after the attack, their exchanges became two-way, and they had some physical contacts but only in special occasions, especially Kira initiating it. Plus, they didn't look exactly intimate, at least not more than they had in the end of GS.

Then, after Kira got the Strike Freedom, their exchanges appeared more natural and more like lovers'.

So I decided the changes indicated their relationship development.

···

Maybe I should also explain what Kira said about Cagalli being called Princess. From what I've read, Cagalli isn't officially a princess even though she was called Princess in the series. It seems more like a nickname, a quite formal nickname. I'm not sure she is called Princess because her father was the Chief Representative or she is an Athha or she is a member of one of the five noblest families.

In this fic, I adopted the first theory since it seems to explain best why she doesn't like being called Princess, especially in GSD.

Thank you for the reading. If you've written a review for another fic of mine, thank you for that, too.

And happy birthday, Kira & Cagalli!

* * *

 ***edited 09/09/17***


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